Another Blog to Follow

I miss writing for the Business of Parenting.   While I’m taking a leave from my writing on this blog, I encourage you to check out the blog, Where Learning Comes in to Play! I am a regular writer for this blog for the DuPage Children’s Museum in Naperville IL.  The blog is designed for parents, teachers and Museum colleagues about a variety of topics related to child development, play and learning.

The Price of Children

In today’s tough economic times where every penny counts, here’s the financial and emotional investment it takes to raise a child,  Well worth the investment!  Happy Mother’s Day!

Wednesday Wit 4.15.09

Welcome to the second installment of Wednesday Wit, where I share my favorite parenting blogs, websites or advice I have discovered during the previous week.  Oh by the way, any comments on the new look for the blog?

10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting

I usually don’t recommend books before I read them.  However, this book seems very appropriate for today’s parent.  The author’s first principle, Be a Mindful Parent, reminds us parents to be intentional rather than reactionary!  Good advice in any situation, including parenting.  I plan to add this book to my parenting library.

Study finds parents should allow their children to see them fight

This study confirms what some of us parents have always believed – let your kids see you fight.  A very wise young adult (my second born daughter) said to me that she was thankful we allowed her to see us, her parents, argue.  She said it told her a lot about the ups and downs, and more importantly, the continuity of a relationship during good and bad times.  It’s inevitable that in any relationship there will be conflict.  When you model constructive criticism, working through conflicts, forgiving and moving on, you give your children valuable lessons in conflict resolution.  It’s only in witnessing the extreme, nasty fighting where children tend to act out and act aggressively towards their peers.  How do you model conflict resolution for your children?

The lighter side of parenting

Look to the comics for advice and humor in parenting.  It helps not to take life so seriously.  Here’s one I found last week that made me chuckle.  Two of my favorite comic strips that really capture the ups and downs of parenting can be found in the  Chicago Tribune.  For Better or For Worse by Lynn Johnston captures parenting stages from “BC” (before conception) through parenting your parents. Be sure and check out some of her classic contents on her blog.  My other favorite, Baby Blues by Rick Kirkman and Jerry Scott, shows us the trials, tribulations and triumphs in raising kids.  A daily dose of Baby Blues will make you feel that you’re not alone with all the joys and challenges of parenting.

Wednesday Wit

Welcome to Wednesday Wit!!!  Each Wednesday,  I will be sharing some of my  favorite wisdom – filled  and/or humorous posts I read on other parenting and educational blogs throughout the week.

• From one of my favorite blogs, Motherlode,   Lisa Beklin from the New York Times Magazine asks the question, is parenting something we’re born with or do we have to learn it? Be sure and read the link to the Australian study where 5000 parents were asked how one learns to be a parent.

• How’s your portfolio?  It’s not everyday I find someone else comparing business principles to parenting principles.  This post looks at some business terms day traders use when talking about the stocks and bonds market and compares them to the “ups and downs” of parenting.  For those of you who have parented through (or put your parents through) the challenging teen years, you’ll find some humorous comparisons.

• I’ve been overheard saying,  my lip hurts, which usually translates  that I’m choosing not to say or do anything to get overly involved in my children’s  activites or events.   Sometimes children need to shine, not their parent.  Other times, learning from their mistakes were much better than a lecture from me.  Here’s another idea to try when you find yourself doing too much for your children.

Defining Successful Parenting

Due to a rather hectic schedule over the next few weeks, I have decided to post shorter entries and link you to some of my favorite blogs I’m currently tracking.  In the meantime, I  promise to get back to the “business of parenting”  in the near future.

Speaking of business of parenting, I found Tammy Erikson’s post about successful parenting from Harvard Business. org to be intriguing.  She points out that the shift in the way  gen x parents are defining successful parenting today will affect business and manager decisions to retain good employees.  Another example where business and parenting intersect!  So all you baby boomer parents – how did you define successful parenting?  Do you see a shift in the gen x parents today?  If you’re a gen x parent, do you see your parenting style different than how you were raised?

More Advice for the IT Savvy Parent

The debate about T.V. and kids continues

In Parenting Principle # 2 we discussed the American Academy of Pediatrics recommendation of “no television prior to age 2. ”  New research conducted at Children’s Hospital Boston and Harvard Medical school support this recommendation, suggesting that maternal and household characteristics are more beneficial to a child’s cognitive development.  For a synopsis of this report read more here…..

The study showed that T.V. viewing does not increase brain development  even though  DVD  and television marketers want us to believe it does.   However,  the report did conclude that television viewing, although not beneficial, is not necessarily harmful either.   In light of these findings, the benefits of limiting television exposure , such as improved diet, lower risk of overweight, less exposure to violence and better sleep quality  certainly needs to be considered.

So was does this mean for IT savvy parent?  The New York Times parenting blog, Motherlode, suggests that parents should stop feeling guilty for the occasional TV viewing.  “Certainly there are better things to do than plop a baby in front of a TV show or  a (so called) educational DVD, suggests Lisa Belkin, Motherlode blogger, but parents don’t have to feel guilty about the occasional viewing.”  Be sure and check out all the comments (pros and cons) to Lisa Belkin’s post, Babies and the Boob Tube.

So what do you think are the pros and cons of  television and so called educational DVD viewing for young children?  What’s your definition of occasional viewing?

Team Talkers

Communication Counts!

Effective communication is essential in any team environment, including your family team!  Think about a current or former work situation.  How did your boss communicate to you?  Did you want to share ideas with your boss or did it take courage to solicit your supervisor’s support.  The way your boss talked to you may have influenced your ability to communicate within your work team. Suggestions  from these two business online documents, The Importance of Effective Communication and Getting Things Done in Groups for people in organizations has some parallels for families, as well.  Let’s take a look at a two of their communication suggestions:

Be an active listener

We spend a lot of time hearing what our children say, but are we actually listening?  It’s natural to begin thinking about how we might respond before we’ve paid attention to what was being said.  Being an active listener means paying attention to not only what’s being said, but what your child’s actions are saying and what she or he may not be saying.  Active listening gives us a chance to mirror what we think we see our kids communicating.  The concept of active listening comes from the psychologist Carl Jung, who encourages being the role of an observer rather than a judge. Take for example a four year old who is wants a doll that you can’t or won’t buy.  Some typical reactions might be to drone on about why you can’t afford the toy or belittle your child for her greediness.  Instead, active listening uses “I” messages.  I know you really want the doll.  I see you’re disappointed we can’t buy the doll today. The “I” message communicates your understanding of the situation.  Active listening is not a quick fix, however, stating what you think you hear or see may change your child’s direction without anger.

Communicate your feelings not act out your feelings

Expressing feelings is part of being human.  The way we express those feelings is what takes work!  Screaming and yelling is scary and can be just as hurtful as physical violence.  State your emotion – I’m really sad, (angry, happy) about….Facial expressions convey emotion too!  Practice keeping your voice at an audible level.  My children paid more attention to me if I was soft spoken in my emotions, then when I lost control by yelling.  In fact, they often said they knew I was serious with my request when my voice got very quiet.

Want to become a better listener/talker with your kids?  This book, How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, is a handy reference with simple and effective strategies to practice and use in common family situations.

Stay tuned!  Conflict is a fact of life! As a leader of your team do you want your family members to fear you or look to you as an ally? In a future post we will look at cultivating an attitude of acceptance.

Parenting Principle #3: Cultivate Your Team

A friend of mine  took a position as administrator for a 24 hour emergency care clinic after working part time as a nurse for many years.  Recently, while over at my house for dinner, I asked her how she was managing the job and still finding time for her family and personal life.  “I treat my team like I did raising my children (she has four!),” she answered.  “They trust me to be there for them when  needed and I trust them to manage well when I can’t be there.”  This trust and care of her team did not happen instantly.  It takes time to cultivate a team!

Remember playing dodge ball in gym class?  The gym teacher chose two team leaders who in turn chose their team members.  If you were lucky, your team had a chance to develop a plan prior to the balls flying.  You had to figure out  each team member’s strengths and weaknesses. Being a team member, whether in sports, business or your family takes cultivation; recognizing each team member’s characteristics for the team. Over the next few week we will explore some key characteristic traits of a good team.  Here’s the first cultivation for your family team:

Cultivate a vision . A good business has a common purpose or vision.  Twenty five years ago Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft Company had a a simple vision – “a personal computer on every desk in every home.”  That vision stayed with the company for 17 years, when, I would guess, his team felt fairly confident with the success of his vision.  Then it was time to create a new vision for the company.  If you’re a brand new parent, now is a great time to think about what you want to teach your children.  In the book, Becoming the Parent you Want to Be, the authors suggest you start a vision by listing three of the most important things you want to teach your children.  Creating a vision for your family does not mean that mastery is expected of you. Visions are things we strive for; they help us re-evaluate when we struggle. If one of your family’s visions is to create a  climate where  your children feel comfortable to openly communicate  with you, then when communication breaks down, it might be time to look at the reasons why the communication changed.

Who are the people who can help you cultivate your family’s vision?  It’s never too early (or too late) to help cultivate a vision for your family.  Steven Covey’s, Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families is another good source to cultivate your family’s vision.

Stay tuned!  Next week we’ll look at active communication and listening characteristic traits.

Working in a Business…Working as a Parent

Why look to the business world for parenting advice? There are many comparisons, which future posts will show.  What got me started on the comparions? Years ago, I had the opportunity to be a founding director of a NAEYC accredited preschool program.  During the ten years on the job, I interacted with about 1000 families.  Many of the parents either had or were ensconced in very successful business careers.  One particular parent stands out in my memory.  She was a vice president of a large corporation.  During a parent conference we were were discussing  some challenges she was having getting her child to cooperate with simple requests.  Her very precocious four year old either argued with her or simply ignored her for most requests that had no choice (i.e. putting his coat on, turning the t.v. off, getting dressed for school).  Knowing that she was a successful leader in her profession, I asked her how she was able to get buy-in for her ideas at work .  “Teamwork,” she said. In the business world, good leaders work with their team towards a common goal, as opposed to telling people their way is is the right way.   ‘The same is true for parenting,” I shared.  So the “demand” of getting your coat on became the shared challenge about the best method to put a coat on. The request didn’t change, only the method for achieving the request.   The method to complete the task became less demanding and more cooperative.

So who do business leaders look to for leadership advice?  Here’s one of my favorites – Lessons from Geese.   The advice of the geese has been a source of advice and reflection for me in the last three leadership positions I’ve had. I colleague recently noted the lessons to be true for families as well.

Stay tuned for our next post – Parenting Principle #3 (hint:  it’s going to have something to do with teamwork).

What Parents Can Learn from the Top Fortune 500 Companies for 2009

Every year Fortune 500 magazine rates the best 100 companies to work for. As I peruse this year’s list, I’m intrigued by the many outstanding, yet simple, employee benefits and perks listed. Even in these hard economic times, there are companies deeply committed to caring for their employees. Good companies, like good families, find ways to care for each other in good times and in bad. So let’s take a look at a few of these companies and see what we can extrapolate for our own families.

The number one company on the list, NetApp, was lauded for simplifying their dozen paged travel policy in favor of a simple statement – “We are a frugal company. But don’t show up dog-tired to save a few bucks. Use your common sense.” There are actually two lessons learned from NetApp. Lesson #1 – Keep it simple. Sometimes as parents we get bogged down with too much explanation to our children. Keep your family guidelines simple. Remember, too many family rules and your family will start focusing more on what it can’t do rather than what it can, and that’s not very positive now, is it? Family rules are about family values, which often begin with respecting each other and each other’s belongings. Lesson #2 – Trust first that someone will behave, before assuming the negative. NetApp’s simplified travel policy trusts that employees will make good decisions when traveling for the business. The same trust policy should be true for our children. How many times did I lecture my children on something I felt they needed to learn or rattled them with a self-fulfilling prophecy such as, “You’re going to break that,” Next time you feel like being the “know-it-all” or the doomsayer take a lesson from NetApp –Focus on the do’s more than the don’ts. Say, “I know you will do the right thing.”

Number 20 on the list of top companies to work for, SAS, teaches us about the importance of tradition. Traditions are practices or beliefs that create positive feelings and are repeated at regular intervals. This leading software supplier has created simple traditions for their staff such as “Fresh Fruit Mondays,” “M&M Wednesdays” and “Breakfast Goodies Fridays.” In families, holidays are where traditions often begin. Special dinners, bedtime stories, family game night or growing a garden are a few other examples of family traditions. What family traditions do you practice?

Another lesson comes from # 45 on the list, King’s Daughter Medical Center. In August, the CEO sent each employee an appreciation letter. Words of appreciation go along way and often evoke memories years later if written down. As a young mother, I kept an appreciation journal during the first year of my first born daughter’s life. I wrote about all the joys and challenges of being a parent for the first time. Flash forward to her teen years, when the daily challenges were often magnified by both of us. One day, while cleaning, I found the long forgotten journal and after a teary read, I gave it to my daughter. I remember us hugging and having a wonderful family discussion after reading that journal. Words of appreciation can also assist in “paying it forward,” as my husband I are now cherish the kind words of appreciation written in cards and notes from both our daughters. A note in the lunch box (daughter #2’s favorite way to get notes), a note left somewhere special or in a birthday card are appreciated at any age.

There are 97 other companies on Fortune 500 magazine’s list. What business lessons can you find for your family’s best practices?